coffee
by nacotic
Summary: i like coffee, i'm going to guess he and she who dont sleep also do.


Title: Coffee

Author: nacotic

Category: humour, friendship

Status: complete

Rating: G

Pairings: none

Summary: O'Neill play a joke on Carter

Disclaimer: Once again I've managed to pervert the course of scifi to allow me to manipulate these pawns (MGM/Gekko corp's characters) in a sordid little game known to all as fanfiction

Author Notes: I had a thought… 'I hate decaf' and so based on that, I wrote a fic.

Coffee 

Colonel Jack O'Neill of the USAF (United States Air Force) had been sitting in the cafeteria night after night drinking coffee that he had to make himself seeing as the kitchen ladies had enough sense to go home and sleep once in a while.

So every night at about the same time when he wasn't off world and knew he did have to do his paperwork came in to have a break and drink some… ok one coffee… so it ended up being cold most of the time, that was, because he didn't like drinking too much coffee. He knew the effects of coffee all too well. Still he managed to make a cup of coffee last so long that his break ended up being longer than the time he actually spent working… heh… what a surprise.

He'd be in there reading the newspaper or whatever he could find to keep his mind in a semi-occupied state. And, in the time he took to drink his coffee the sexy Major Samantha Carter would come in about ten times to fill up her mug, which was substantial in size to say the least.

_Hmm this must be about her eleventh cup!_ O'Neill thought to himself as Carter filled her cup with instant coffee and hot water. She turned around and noticed that her CO was looking at her. She regarded him with a smile, though her eyes had the vacant look of _must stay awake_… _must finish practical analysis of the erosion of Naquadah in the generators when used at full power_. He smiled back.

_She's gonna blow a fuse if she keeps working this hard… hmm… and all that coffee can't be doing her any good… it's the same with Daniel… they should try sleeping once in a while but I know there's no way I'll get either of them to sleep without tranquillisers…hmmm…_ Jack drank the rest of his cold coffee cringing at the taste then finished his work quickly. He then went home and to bed.

The next morning he got up had a shower and ate breakfast… not that you really wanna know but he was still eating oatmeal after that time loop fiasco… not that all of that was bad nudgenudgewinkwinksay no more

He drove to work, his plan ticking over in his head. Besides Carter and Daniel the only others working where the nurses, they had their own kitchen. What does the medical staff's kitchen have to do with anything you ask? Well the Colonel was feeling sneaky and he was sick of them making him look like he didn't work hard enough when it was really them working too hard! So his plans were: tonight to get rid of the coffee that was in the can and replace it with Decaf. _Then see them stay awake!_

Later that night, far after the hours that sensible people keep, Jack came in before the breaks started. He poured the instant into a bin near-by and pored the contents of a decaf jar into it. He set it down just in time for Daniel waled in holding his coffee cup. "Hey Jack." Daniel greeted him as he opened the lid and put two heaped spoonfuls of 'coffee' in and filled it with water. The guy at the shop had recommended this one, as smelling and tasting exactly like coffee. Daniel took a sip. "Hey Daniel" Jack said cheerfully noticing that he hadn't noticed the difference he wandered off back to his age prediction of an artefact he had found on P3X 157. fifteen minutes later he strolled up to Daniels office to found that the decaf had done exactly what it was supposed to – nothing – Daniel was snoozing away face down on his paperwork at his desk… well O'Neill thought it was his desk, not that he could see it under the scrolls and the pad paper and the scribbles and books.. In fact it was propped up by two books on one side… that was Daniel for you… he walked back to the cafeteria to see Carter scooping a tablespoon of the 'coffee' into her mug. "Oh… Hey… Carter…" Jack said trying to be casual. "Hi Sir" she said absently pouring the water into her mug and taking a sip. She immediately sprayed it all over the bench "Eek! This is… is…" "Decaf?" Jack said cringing. "Yes how did you… oh you bastard!" she said as she saw him smirking and trying his hardest not to laugh. "Sir I NEED my coffee!" carter said in an agitated tone. "Carter what you need is sleep! Can't you see? You're burning the candle at both ends and everywhere in between and Daniel's doing the same!" O'Neill was pleading with his 2IC to get some rest. "Sir I'm serious! I need a coffee I mean medically need a coffee!" Carter pleaded back. "Carter you can have normal coffee tomorrow! No go and do what Daniel's doing and what you and I both should be doing-"

"what working?"

"NO! SLEEPING!" O'Neill was pissed. There was no way he was going to let her win this one! _Why couldn't she be like Daniel!_ O'Neill thought to himself. _Why couldn't she just have drunken the decaf and fallen asleep?_ It was time to implement stage two: re-enforcement! Jack took out an orange bottle with caffeine pills typed on the label. They were actually tranquillisers set to work five to ten minutes after consumption. Cater looked at the label. "Please sir?" she said… Jack looked as if it was a hard decision to make as to whether he should give them to her or not. Eventually he gave them to her she read the instructions. They read to take one every eight to ten hours. Carter unscrewed the lid, poured 2 onto the palm of her hand (thankfully the actual recommended dosage)she swallowed them without water or any inkling that there was a possibility of foul play. The placebo effect kicked in and she was bubbly. She decided that she'd stay with her CO for a while since she had a supply of tablets. It was only after about 5 minutes that O'Neill realised he should get her to have a seat before she fell down…

Too late. He ran over to catch her so she didn't collapse and hit anything too dangerous. He picked her up and carried her to a containment cell with a nice bed in it and left her there to sleep the first decent sleep he reckoned she'd have had since kindergarten.

"Night Carter"


End file.
